2015: The Long and Short of it

So long to 2015. Like Clark, may regrets be short and sweet.

     As 2015 draws to a close, I have some reflecting to do.
1.) I lost two adoring dogs. Chelsea, a miniature long haired dachshund we raised from a pup and Clark, a basset mix who came into our lives as an elderly rescue. My life is so empty without them but I am thankful for how much love they gave me in the long and short time we had together. Long and short...just like they were.
2.) I lost an aunt who for all intents and purposes was another mother. Never having married or children of her own, she had always been around. The tubs and tubs of photographs attested to her presence. It's strange not to have her around. Even if she said very little or contributed even less, I never got to thank her for 'being there' as a babysitter for my siblings and our children, for dutifully making the obligatory puto and fruit salad, for instigating photographic evidence of an event, and more poignantly, her participation in the lives of others. Even as a silent observer, she will be missed.
3.) For many people, my store finally closed, only because now there is a new endeavor to ponder. I'm still grappling with where A Centre for Women's Work will be headed, but it's a direction that is part of the next steps, building a future based on the past, because from the time I stepped into the Kalahari Desert and met the San Bushmen in 2003, I have been focused and centered on women. There is still so much more to do.
4.) My daughter has not only blossomed in college, but is now her own person. We stopped the twice daily texting mainly because there was no cellphone coverage at Cranberry Lake. That's where she spent the majority of the summer gaining, and I must say, excelling in a practical wildlife education (she names trees, lifecyles of mushroom and identifies mosses, for godsake!). She got a new boyfriend, now sings in a band, performing on stage and continues to amaze me with her effortless stream of creativity. She joined the equestrian team and started competing. While we support her financially and she does still come to us for advice, this is her life, I'm only glad I'm here to see that her potential is evidenced in her many, sometimes too many, actions...What I'm trying to say is that I did good. Yup. I gave her the foundation to reach beyond me and my capabilities. To soar to heights I didn't know existed. And to do it knowing Peter and I 'got her back'. I believe our children take risks not because they know we will catch them, but that we are there no matter what.
5.) My son, my son,  my son. He is also his own person, needing some guidence certainly, but seeing him as the honest, reliable, candid, sometimes intense but mostly laid back young man that is him. He took a jump while snowboarding, face planted, scrambled to find the go-pro that was still running and cheerfully texted me asking where his dad was since he made his way to first aide. I was home. Peter had taken him to the mountain. Instead of being scared, coz the doctor who took a look at him first thing on Monday said he could have lost an eye had he not been wearing his goggles and reprimanded him for not wearing a helmet, he jovially said, "Yeah. I won't be doing that again." Meaning not snowboarding without a helmet, but couldn't wait to get back to that mountain to conquor the jump. At least he knows just how lucky he is. And that's thanks to me. Yup, me. I have instilled in him a sense of right and wrong, good and bad, and without much prodding, he opens the door for me, carries bags for me, and obligingly does just about anything I ask. And do you know why? Because he knows I love him and he shows me he loves me in return by doing these little things. And he does that because he knows just how lucky he and I are to have each other. I wish many more moms of teenage boys could say that.
6.)  Speaking of moms, I had reached a new level of understanding and appreciation for my mom. While my aunt suffered with cancer, I realized how little time we truly have with those we love. You can waste it wishing for a better relationship, demanding a change in outlook, regretting lost opportunities for connection, rememberance, remorse. But in the end, loved ones leave you with unfinished business that will need to be cleared up and in some cases, completely cleaned out.
7.) Which brings me to time...the perfect inspiration for the end of year reflection. Time is short. My brother who died at 32 and my father at 65, are my reminders of life being way too short. My realizing that my daughter will make her own home one day soon, away from us, never to be a part of our home again. Our son, a junior in High School is also too close to being on his own, forcing me to face that empty nest.
     But I'm lucky, like my son, I realize just how lucky I am, because while my nest may be empty, my life is full. I have a husband that adores me - me and my long aspirations and short accomplishments. His very presence can relieve my greatest fears. Having met and married in our early 20's, he and I have grown up together and rest assured that we will grow old together.
     Growing old, retiring, planning a future when so much of our life is in the past, I look forward to 2016. I accept love and loss. I am grateful for the moments we can share with others. I know that each year is not a year older, or a year gone by, but another blessed memory we make for ourselves and for those we love.

Happy 2016, everyone!