The Undeniable Dream and the Question of Destiny

Bucket from 1000BC found at Museum of Scotland

He said, "I deny my actions because if I take responsibility for the things I’ve done to you, then I have to take responsibility for things I’ve done before you." 

He said, "Remember, I was Metratron. I was the mouthpiece for God and he was a vengeful God. I did some horrible things. "

The soldier leads his horse through a clearing. Fires burn at a distance. He is weary, ready to collapse. His armor, which he has worn for many years, is now too heavy to bear. His helmet, his breastplate, his shield and his sword; he wants to shed them all. He gets to lighten his load now that the war is over. 

A housemaid approaches. She is carrying a bucket, water sloshing around as she climbs the wet grassy hill to him. She scoops the water out of the bucket and extends the ladle to him. He takes her hand as he takes a sip. That’s when she looks into his face. She has seen him before. It is his eyes that she recognizes. The look in his eyes. She may never have met this soldier before, but she has known him all of her life, all of the previous lives she’s led and every life yet to come. 

It is April 13, 2019. She and that hurt, weary, scared, angry, damaged, broken soldier are together once more. “Oh god,” she said out loud last night. “Please let this be the last time. I can’t do this anymore.” She sobbed uncontrollably. The wounds from the past lives were so fresh, so painfully present. She saw the centuries-old burden she had yet to fulfill upon her again. If only he’d learn the lesson that is his duty to bear, they could then move on. But as it stood, she is 56 and he is 58 and they’d shared 32 years of good, but mostly, bad times, and she wanted it to all end. 

St. Andrews

He was a Roman soldier who had done unspeakable things in the name of God. In battle, he didn’t ask why. He didn’t ask what. He fought for his life, ruthlessly, unrelentingly, unrepentantly. He fought with abandon. He had to, to survive. 

He survived. And because he was War, God gave him Peace. 

She came to him with water, let him lay down his sword, put away his shield. There was no more war, but what is a soldier without a battle? He did not know how to yield, how to be at peace, how to love. 

And so he fought her. He protected himself from caring, because if he started to let down his guard about his feelings, then he had to face the death and destruction he had inflicted throughout all of those wars, not just the one he waged on her. If he were to love her, he had to expose himself to all emotions and that scared him. 

  

That’s what this is all about. 

He took no responsibility for even the stupidest things. He took no responsibility for the greatest of wrongs and everything in between. 

She thought it had to do with him being a white American male - the entitlement, the privilege, but no. It was greater than that. It was rooted in his previous lives as a bushman, a Roman soldier, who knows what else, and now this. 

Landing in St. Croix, living in the Caribbean, having a job that gave him authority, dignity, this was a gift. This life as a white American male was the prize for the lives of hardship and a reward for a growing understanding of life's purpose. 

In a time of racial inequality, continued oppression of women, monetary instability; he had a leg-up on all of that. We had a life that we had earned over the lifetimes. We were so close to reaching our destiny, but still we weren’t quite there. 

Story of the Unicorn at Stirling Castle

 After I found out that I was his “Gift,” I got so mad. Why did I have to endure his abuse, his control, his cruelty? I couldn’t leave. We had to work something out together, or it would start all over again. We apparently had done something right in our recent past-lives in order to be here now. The problems we have are stupid; his flirting, his wandering eye, his insecurities exhibited in these actions and his controlling behavior. While I demanded his respect, in reality, he hadn’t done so much wrong. But I wanted a better life, a different one. I thought I had free will. But I was wrong. 

So this morning, after yet another fight where he wouldn’t admit he was wrong and would divert the attention to inconsequential things and lash out cruelly. This morning, instead of being angry at him, I felt sorry for myself. This life we were living was not acceptable and yet, there was nothing I could do. I was forever linked to him. 

And that’s when he reached what I think is the core of his being, the reason we exist, the answer to The Riddle; our Fate. 

One of our favorite pastimes, grabbing
a pint. This one is at Plockton, Scotland.

He dutifully did as God told him. And because he survived, God rewarded him with love. “Lay down your sword,” God said. “She will quench your thirst. She will nourish your body and your soul. With time, she will wash away your fear, your hurt, your burden. She will wash away your sins.” 

But he didn’t believe it. He went into battle and feared nothing. But this, this scared him. He was afraid to expose himself to anyone, much less to the one that mattered most, the one who was sent to love him. Because if she saw him, saw him without his armor, saw him for who he was, he believed, she couldn’t love him and then where would he be? 

What he didn’t acknowledge was that his actions made her feel exactly the way he avoided feeling. He inflicted on her exactly what he feared would be inflicted on him. He acted as his mother had acted, shielding himself from love because he was so afraid it would be taken away. 

He was a soldier who had seen it all. She was a housemaid who had not seen a thing. 

He had seen death and destruction. She had only known the mundane, the acts of every day life.

He would show her the world. She would give him a home. 

They were both dutiful, willing to fulfill their life’s mission. 

His mission was to do as God said. Her mission was to do as her master bid. 

They had the same master. 

They had the same fate. 

And after all of those years together, this life in St. Croix is the repayment. This is the reward.   

in St. Croix

It’s not too late. 

Don’t be afraid. Take it. 

Don’t be afraid. Have it. 

Don’t be afraid. Love it. Because that is your fate. 

To love each other. That’s the answer. 

*Neither Peter nor I practice a particular religion. "God" here refers to the Universal consciousness.