Birthday Presence: Time is a Gift

I'm funny about my birthday. My mom would create these extravagant get-togethers where she cooked for days and invited absolutely EVERYBODY they knew. Only, it wasn't so happy. She would fly into a rage if we didn't help her straighten up the house or the cooking wasn't going as planned or someone did something to irk her. We were all on pins and needles during these Birthday Celebrations. 

And what's funny, I did the same thing to my family. One year, Macallan said, "Can we not have a theme and make a big deal?" So, I stopped. She didn't need or want that show, that shit show...so I stopped. 

One year, for my birthday, Peter got us a room at the Ritz and I cried. Why? Because I wanted to take a writing class. He said I could still take the writing class, but all I felt was that he hadn't heard me or cared about what I really wanted on my birthday. 

Seemed, every year he would make me cry. Even last year when he asked where in the world I wanted to go, and I told him the Galapagos. So, he booked us a trip. And as I looked at the itinerary, I asked, "What am I supposed to do while you guys go snorkeling?"

I wound up snorkeling and loving it. The best trip, let alone, the best birthday I could ever ask for! I cried, not because the day was a disappointment, but because it was a spectacular day in a precious location with people I loved...and I felt blessed. 

That was last year, my 60th birthday, and I will never forget it. What's most poignant is that Ecuador is in civil unrest, violence plagues the country. This would have been a terrible year to go. Good thing we went last year. And that goes to show me...

Shouldn't every year be a blessing? Why does it have to be a huge gesture? Shouldn't you be thankful to see another year, to age, to be with those you love? When will we realize that Time is a gift. Right now is a celebration. 

So, that's the takeaway. This year, this birthday, this moment in time...that's what today is about. Sure, 61 years ago today, I was born...but why only throw a party, expect presents, be toasted only on this one day? Why look for acknowledgment of your existence only today? 

I have this thing where I am so hurt because Peter doesn't take my picture. "I don't exist." I tell him. "I made this happen (whatever it may be...lunch with friends, vacation with family, a trip to the Galapagos) but there are no pictures of me holding the puppies, opening presents, toasting our anniversary." It's like I'm not there. 

That's my abandonment rearing its ugly head. I don't matter, it tells me. I'm not wanted it, it screams. No one loves me, I wail. 

Surrounded by dogs that show me love every moment of every day, how can I question that I'm lovable? By questioning whether Peter loves me or not as he picks up puppy poop for the 20th time before noon, is ridiculous. Of course he loves me!

But unable to sit and quiet my brain lately, I asked him to show me. "Show me you love me." I said. "I'll be really bummed on my birthday if it's just another day." 

And what did he do? He made the coffee (something I do every day) and brought me a banana muffin with a candle to start the day. And you know what? He took a picture of me blowing out the candle! 

Then, he let the dogs out. He brought them back in. He picked up the puppy poop. He mopped up the puppy pee. 

Does he do this other days? Sure. But today, he wanted me to know that he heard me when I said I want to feel special. So, he is going above and beyond to show me he cares. 

Maybe I won't need that reassurance next year, or maybe I'll need it even more...but this year, today, he heard me and so far, I've had an extra special day. 

Thanks, Peter. This presence is the best present I could ever ask for.