I live in fear.
Mostly, it stems from my abandonment trauma. It’s inherent. It manifests physically with things like shingles, stomach issues, vertigo. It is emotional in that I feel victimized, nervous in cars, skittish when floating in the sea, an uneasy feeling all around.
I think the emotional fear could be an intuition. I feel there’s something “bad” that’s going to happen. It sometimes happens to me directly, to someone I know but mostly, it’s a general misfortune that happens in the world.
For weeks, I was feeling uneasy about floating in the sea. I love it and wanted to keep up with my tan and with my shingles, it was one of the only things that felt good. But while I was excited and happy to see turtles, fish jumping, stingrays, I also felt uneasy about just what was swimming with me.
I would head to the beach early and wait for Peter. Common sense told me not to swim alone, but with others swimming nearby, I sometimes would go in before he arrived from his bike ride. But in the back of my head, I told myself, you shouldn’t be doing that…why? I didn’t know.
As weeks went by, I gathered up the courage to admit I didn’t really want to snorkel, even though outwardly, I said, “Maybe next time, we should bring snorkel gear.” We were planning to move to Colorado and I would miss the easy access we had to the water. Thus, the main reason I tried to swim every day. I wanted to take advantage of the sea at our beck and call.
But something made me nervous and every time someone would bring up snorkeling, I’d feel a dread. So, finally I admitted, "I don’t want to know what is in the water with me.”
Then, someone died. Was it a shark? Was it a boat? No matter. Something took her arm off and part of her breast.
I start to hyperventilate just thinking about it.
Was I anxious because of the ICE incidents that were growing and including none immigrants?
I thought so…but then, a person was found unresponsive in their vehicle here on Stx. Was it a murder or natural causes? A week or so later, three people were killed at the dump where RuffStartSTx’s originator goes to feed stray dogs…and one of them was the guy who helps her. I’m certain, he saw something he shouldn’t have so he was killed. Is Katie safe to go there? I don’t think she is.
So, here I sit in my comfortable little house surrounded by my loving pack and with Peter puttering around in the next room and I feel the fear has disappated.
But I can’t stop crying.
I see the heinous acts of violence by ICE and feel every injustice.
I have been watching the progress of the Walk for Peace and I bawl upon reading shared encounters, seeing photos of the monks and the followers. Why? I don’t know.
What I do know is that their images and the words of those who are following them give me hope. There are many people who are not hateful, are equally disturbed by this administration and want to affect a change.
What I have learned from the words of the monks is that their sacrifice should not go in vain. They are walking 2300 miles not for the spectacle, but to encourage anyone who wants some relief to practice peaceful existence. Let us be present. Give of ourselves. Not harbor resentment, regret, retaliation.
Trump and his administration spreads anger, hate, fear. Getting mad at their actions just adds to the discouragement and breeds the negativity. Stop getting mad at them and start spreading love.
Can I stand up to the thugs on Social Media? From our home on this tiny island? Living in fear when there’s little I can do about it?
No.
That’s where my fear comes in and why I live with such anxiety.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. Do as the monks are doing and focusing on each step, each day, each encounter and bring to them my unique positive energy.
Peace. Let's promote, propagate, promise Peace.
