Mother's Day Blog (rant over)

This is the blog that incited a flurry of kind words, strong support, shared prom mishaps, and the acknowledgment of one or two prom dates who offered their apologies. It served it's purpose. It started discussions, realizations and change. 

Rant over. 

My sweet boy (picture taken in Namibia in 2003)

Previously Entitled: Dear mom of my son's prom date.

Dear Girl's Mom,
     First off, I'd like to tell you that I know, "momming" of girls or boys is hard. I know, because I have "mommed" both. I feel ya.
     But I'm writing as the mom of a boy, your daughter's "date" for the prom.
     I take full responsibility for him thinking he had to have a date. That's my fault. I wanted him to experience the night with someone, as a right of passage that I thought every student as a Junior should go through. I knew my son didn't have anyone special to take, but I also knew there were lots of girls out there who liked him. Maybe not liked-him liked-him, or maybe they did, who knows... So, I started asking about prom a couple of months back. With a boy, you have to ask, 'coz most of the time, they don't offer up any information. You also have to be proactive, because for the most part, it's all last minute. So, I started asking, when it was, who was going, did so and so have a date? Then, I pressed on, "How about you?" "Do you want to go?" You know, most boys go with the flow. Much easier to let things happen rather than stick their necks out there, at least that's the way it is with my son. Totally different from my daughter. He's pretty happy to be in the thick of things, but not the center of attention (another way he's different from his sister).
     I think I must have pressed him too hard and made him feel like he had to go even if he didn't want to. I just wanted him to experience it, like life in general, just be a part of it.
     And so, he found a "date" while he was with his friends on spring break in Florida. She lived in New York, "Yay!" But 5 hours away, "Boo!" That didn't really work out.
     Then, a few days before the prom, I ask him again. "How come he has a date but not you?" "Wouldn't you like to go with a friend?" And so, one day, he is telling his friend's girlfriend, your older daughter, who offers up her younger sister. The plot thickens...I get a text from him at 10:30pm (mind you, he's in his bedroom and I'm in mine right across the hall), would I drive him to Starbucks in the morning before school so that he could get an iced coffee? "Why?" I ask. "I'm going to write, "Prom?" on it and that's how I'm going to 'Prompose'.
     So, here's the thing. They don't know each other. He's a bit, how should I say, shy, awkward, genuine? Within minutes of pre-prom picture taking, your daughter has ditched him and is hanging out with people she knows. You don't even give him a ride to the next picture taking spot, he has to find his own.
     As his mom, I think you're a pretty lame one. If that were my daughter, I would have taken her aside and told her the right way to act. But hey, she's not my daughter. But he is my son and here's what I have to say about what happened.

He's fine. He's way more fine about what transpired than I am. He didn't even "like" her so he's cool with it. But I'm not, and here's why:
1.) He's 17. I have spent his entire life making him a kind, thoughtful, respectful man. To be ditched at the prom, could undo all of that because your daughter said yes but then didn't have the decency to be a kind, thoughtful, respectful woman.

2.)  It says a lot about your daughter that she couldn't make the day about him, after all, it was his prom, not hers. One day, she'll be dating and wonder why every guy she goes out with only thinks of himself. Maybe that guy took a self-centered girl to prom and after that decided he was out for number one. Consideration is a two-way street.

3.) He went out on a limb and asked your daughter to be his date. Sure she said yes, but why say yes and then not follow through? Your daughter was supposed to be his date. Does she not know what that means? If not, maybe you should fill her in. No one said to do anything more than show up and hang around him for this one night. Hell, he's one of the good guys! He didn't objectify her. He was humble. He tried to be engaging...As the mother of a girl, there is no way I would condone forcing someone to do anything they didn't want to do, but if your daughter didn't want to escort him to the dance, she should have said no. Because quite honestly, what did he do in the 20 minutes they were together that made it Ok for her to ignore him and go off on her own?

His tender ways is evidenced
in the way he cares for others. 

So, here's the thing:

• - For all the women out there disgruntled about the way men treat them
• - For the population of the world that is bewildered and disheartened that women today get paid far less than men and have little power in business, law, politics and households
• - For the horrible injustices waged upon women around the world by their overbearing fathers, abusive husbands, misogynist culture

 The way this prom transpired is where all of these wrongs have come to breed. Women play a major role in tearing down nice boys and making them mean men. 
 

Trick-or-Treating in Botswana - That smile on his
face says it all. I never want to see anyone
wipe that smile from his soul. 

As a boy's mom, it is my job to raise him to be a good person. I make sure he understands his role in the world. I embrace his daredevil nature, foster his unique sense of self, and celebrate his tireless tenacity to do the right thing. It's too bad your daughter didn't give him a chance that night. She would have had a great time if only she would have let him get his footing and felt safe enough to be himself. I don't think she'll get that chance again, at least I hope not. I do know that I hope the next time he asks someone out, it will be for his own reasons and not because his well-meaning-all-be-it-meddlesome-mom pushed him into doing it, and I hope he has a better sense than to go out with someone like your daughter again.
   
So, Dear mom of my son's Prom date, 
    The weight of the world rests on your shoulders. It's up to you teach your daughter to be a caring, responsible, and patient young woman who doesn't squelch the kindness, vulnerability, and respect out of my son so that he can grow up to be one of the good guys - the kind of guy who dates smart, accomplished, and loving women, and perhaps  one day, raises a strong, brilliant, and compassionate girl.