He didn't know what the living conditions would be in St. Croix. After all, he was being brought there to help with hurricane recovery after two Category 5 hurricanes hit the island in a matter of weeks.
But as it turned out, he wound up living in vacation homes that were not destroyed or damaged and lived pretty well.
Unfortunately, many of the recovery team left loved-ones behind. We all had to adjust to newly defined lives. For Peter and I, it was a trying first few months.
I talked about divorce - AGAIN! I felt he was abandoning me, which he literally was. After all, he would be living 30 days on-island only to return "home" for a week or so. But, he would say, "If the living conditions are good enough, you could come down to visit." What kind of marriage is that? Not one I wanted, that's for sure.
He was to leave in January, leaving me with the house, the animals (of which we had 2 dogs, a coatimundi, a Patagonian cavy, a turtle, a lizard, some cockroaches, fish and stick bugs!), our two kids, my mom and a seemingly infinite amount of stress and responsibilities that overwhelmed me just thinking about it.
It was daunting. There would be eight snow storms. Of course the guy he hired to plow the driveway showed up only after being called multiple times and then did only a part of the driveway saying his truck broke—not my problem! And he wanted full payment regardless!
I had a frozen shoulder that required physical therapy and chiropractic adjustments three times a week, acupuncture once a week and a massage every other week to try to relieve the pain and gain mobility. I could not shovel that driveway. I was flabbergasted!
As always, there were issues in the house, but nothing would be as bad as dealing with our dogs. They wouldn't stop fighting or marking their territory. They wouldn't stop peeing and pooping in our house, not even stopping after I got them fixed! And none of that was as bad as trying to get them to stop barking! Why did no one tell me that the adorable coonhound would bay, bark and howl all day every day!?!I was unhappy. I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. While Peter's paycheck was a plus, I, of course, thought it was just an excuse to leave me. I was sure of it.
At my lowest, I wanted to disappear. I didn't think I could face another day. That feeling of sorrow was all consuming. No thought of what would happen to the kids, the animals, the household. There were a few nights, I really lost my mind, my heart, myself.
And then I went to visit. The blues of the sea, the tropical breezes, the sunshine, the warmth, the beauty of the beaches. But I wasn't there to be on vacation. I was there to reconnect with my husband.
I'm too tired and still too vulnerable to go into detail. Suffice it to say, we had intense discussions.
Month after month would go by where he came back to NY and I went to St. Croix. Each month building a foundation for a new life together. That first visit to St. Croix, he assured me he hadn't taken the job to get away from me. "It's for us. This sucks for me too. I don't want to be without you." But I didn't totally believe him.
As time went by and he and his job became more stable, he brought up my staying in St. Croix. How would that work? At first, I thought I could sell our house in New York, maybe find a smaller place for our grown kids to live. But there was too much to be done. Our 32 years together was stored in that house.
I wound up in St. Croix for two weeks at a time, and then he would come up North for a week, only leaving us apart for a week each month. Then, I came down for three weeks and we flew "home" together.
By now, I understood that he hadn't abandoned me/us. I felt he was lonely too. I believed him, for once. In our over 30 years together, I finally believed he loved me and wanted to live the rest of his life with me.
My therapist (whom I haven't seen for 10 or 15 years now) would ask me why I thought he stayed with me. If I was so convinced he would leave me, why are we still together? My answers ranged from 'Because it's the right thing to do.' 'He hasn't found anyone else...yet.' 'He doesn't know where to go.' and on occasion, 'I just don't know.' Her point was not to confirm my fears; her point was to show me that my fears were unwarranted.
Well, Nancy. I finally see that. I finally believe that he loves me and wants to be with me.
Finally.
So, this St Croix life that we are living now, this "Croix" Roads where we've found ourselves, took over 30 years! Now that I believe we're truly going to stay together, I look back at the 30+ years and can't believe all the hurt we put each other through. If only, all along, we took our I love you's and I do's and were totally committed to them. Think how much happier I could have been if I lived without the fear of abandonment and instead lived with abandon.
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