For my 60th birthday, my husband planned a trip of a lifetime to The Galapagos. While we were there, my daughter's live-in boyfriend planned to propose. Once this happened, someone asked if it overshadowed my big celebration? Absolutely not! I was the one who told him our daughter' s grandfather wanted her to have her grandmother's wedding ring. I was the one who kept my end of the secret, even bringing the ring to a jeweler to be resized. When it happened, I was the one who videoed it so she could post it on social media.
What better gift, I thought, than our daughter spending the rest of her life with a wonderful man who not only loved her but took such good care of her and complemented her in every way?
Then the wedding plans began and I offered to grow the living plants to decorate the venue. I offered to make the party favors.
A year and some months later, the day was upon us.
Sure, I panicked that I wouldn't be ready with the plant decorations or the handmade ceramic wedding favors. I worried it may rain on the outdoor ceremony and tented reception. I wondered if my mom could come and how we could get her to St. Croix from New York. She was 90 this year and every day was a different day of confusion then lucidity, ability to walk and inability to do many ordinary things. In the end, my siblings and I decided it would be too hard for her, nearly impossible to get her here and for her to navigate the venue, even in a wheelchair. We were all disappointed.
But the day was here, so much to do and worse, so much to worry about...but Macallan's friend (aka her wedding planner) really pulled through. She and her team made the day worry-free and best of all, the post wedding pick up, effortless.
And that's just the beginning of the love that was spread on the day of. Whatever there was to stress about disappeared and the festivities of the day truly won out. Love abound. It was clear, this was a tight-knit family of friends created because of Rocky and Macallan. Their union made the reception as glorious as it was because of the love that was heaped upon them. May they always feel this love when things don't go as planned, when life is
And a week later, I'm still buzzing with happiness. But a few things have hit me.
That first time I noticed that our daughter had changed her last name on social media. I thought, well of course...although we never talked about it.
You know, she's got an extremely unique name, Macallan. And I can proudly say she's lived up to it. Smith. So common, by contrast. But not these Smiths. No. They are as good as they get...honest, hard working, funny, fun and loved by those who meet them because they're good people. That’s so uncommon. And so, when I saw her new moniker, a bittersweet sadness hit.
I couldn't be happier. We didn't marry off our daughter, we truly gained a son. No, that's not what I want to say. Although we do love him like our own.
Our daughter met a man who sees her for who she is and loves her. He doesn't want to change her, he knows better than to think that's possible. Together, they compliment each other. What I’ve said before is that they’re great together.
And because of that, as her mom, I can let her go. Not get rid of her, but now because she's found a life with someone she is happy with, I don't feel like I need to worry or look out for her, or, I don't know, keep "raising" her. Is that the right word? I guess, because she's found a path of her own now, I don't need to feel as if I have to watch over her.
Oh sure, I'll always be her mom, but my “job” is done?
What am I trying to say? I'm not really sure. This is all so new to me.
Having a wedding and your daughter getting married are not the same things. One is an event, the biggest party of our lives, aside from our own wedding. And the other is acknowledging that your child is all grown up.
Oh, don't get me wrong. It's totally not that she couldn't have had a life of her own without a husband. I am fully aware of that fact. The fact that she had a career, an apartment, a way of life, a life outside of my "control" and out side of me. Yes. Yes. And Peter and I were well aware of that and happy for her.
But taking on someone else's name and sharing a bank account and all of that...that's something different than watching your child grown up and move on.
I guess what I'm feeling is that once she was born, I devoted my life to her care. I worried about her at daycare when I picked her up and she had a split lip. I was gone 11 hours a day. Someone else was raising her. So, I quit my dream job to stay home with her. That's what I wanted to do because her well-being was on me. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom because when I was growing up, my parents encouraged me to be a writer and it made me so mad. They said, "that way, I could still be home to take care of your children and your husband." What?!? That’s all my life was worth?!?
But push-came-to-shove, I chose that. I wanted to be there for my children. Me.
If you knew me as a mom in Cold Spring, you know my children were my world.
That changed in order to let them flourish on their own. I backed away so that they could find their own way. One time, I remember Macallan asked me why I let her date someone that was obviously not a good match and I said, "When you go to college, I won't be there to make decisions for you. You have to learn on your own." Isn't that the hardest thing for a parent to do? Watch as their children navigate their lives with good and the bad decisions, hoping to God nothing too terrible happened along the way.
Well, I can't stop crying. I think it's because I'm sad that my job is done. But I'm also happy that my job is done. I can “relinquish” my duties, not because she’s now married but because she found someone who will care for her as much as I did.
There are bound to be things that won't go right, won't be fun, maybe even be heartbreaking, but with Rocky by her side, I know there will also be love to carry them through. Not just their love for each other, but the love that all of those people who were at the wedding have for them. You don't just get that. It's not a given. That kind of love is earned and it was there that day, and there the days prior and I'm certain, the days ahead.
So, while I'm always going to be Macallan's mom. (And there isn't a day that goes by that I don’t know how lucky I am to have her as my daughter. That will never change.) But now, I am not responsible for her life (and quite honestly, I haven't been for many many years). I can still share in it and I hope that doesn't change.
Because our world since their wedding hasn't gotten smaller. We have not lost our daughter, we truly have gained a great guy in Rocky along with a loving, supportive, wonderful Smith family and friends. I hope they feel the same.
