When Your Daughter Gets Married

For my 60th birthday, my husband planned a trip of a lifetime to The Galapagos. While we were there, my daughter's live-in boyfriend planned to propose. Once this happened, someone asked if it overshadowed my big celebration? Absolutely not! I was the one who told him our daughter' s grandfather wanted her to have her grandmother's wedding ring. I was the one who kept my end of the secret, even bringing the ring to a jeweler to be resized. When it happened, I was the one who videoed it so she could post it on social media. 

What better gift, I thought, than our daughter spending the rest of her life with a wonderful man who not only loved her but took such good care of her and complemented her in every way? 

Then the wedding plans began and I offered to grow the living plants to decorate the venue. I offered to make the party favors. 

A year and some months later, the day was upon us.

Sure, I panicked that I wouldn't be ready with the plant decorations or the handmade ceramic wedding favors. I worried it may rain on the outdoor ceremony and tented reception. I wondered if my mom could come and how we could get her to St. Croix from New York. She was 90 this year and every day was a different day of confusion then lucidity, ability to walk and inability to do many ordinary things. In the end, my siblings and I decided it would be too hard for her, nearly impossible to get her here and for her to navigate the venue, even in a wheelchair. We were all disappointed. 

But the day was here, so much to do and worse, so much to worry about...but Macallan's friend (aka her wedding planner) really pulled through. She and her team made the day worry-free and best of all, the post wedding pick up, effortless. 

And that's just the beginning of the love that was spread on the day of. Whatever there was to stress about disappeared and the festivities of the day truly won out. Love abound. It was clear, this was a tight-knit family of friends created because of Rocky and Macallan. Their union made the reception as glorious as it was because of the love that was heaped upon them. May they always feel this love when things don't go as planned, when life is

hard, when they have doubts, I hope they'll remember that day, this day.

And a week later, I'm still buzzing with happiness. But a few things have hit me. 

That first time I noticed that our daughter had changed her last name on social media. I thought, well of course...although we never talked about it. 

You know, she's got an extremely unique name, Macallan. And I can proudly say she's lived up to it. Smith. So common, by contrast. But not these Smiths. No. They are as good as they get...honest, hard working, funny, fun and loved by those who meet them because they're good people. That’s so uncommon. And so, when I saw her new moniker, a bittersweet sadness hit. 

I couldn't be happier. We didn't marry off our daughter, we truly gained a son. No, that's not what I want to say. Although we do love him like our own. 

Our daughter met a man who sees her for who she is and loves her. He doesn't want to change her, he knows better than to think that's possible. Together, they compliment each other. What I’ve said before is that they’re great together.

And because of that, as her mom, I can let her go. Not get rid of her, but now because she's found a life with someone she is happy with, I don't feel like I need to worry or look out for her, or, I don't know, keep "raising" her. Is that the right word? I guess, because she's found a path of her own now, I don't need to feel as if I have to watch over her. 

Oh sure, I'll always be her mom, but my “job” is done? 

What am I trying to say? I'm not really sure. This is all so new to me. 

Having a wedding and your daughter getting married are not the same things. One is an event, the biggest party of our lives, aside from our own wedding. And the other is acknowledging that your child is all grown up. 

Oh, don't get me wrong. It's totally not that she couldn't have had a life of her own without a husband. I am fully aware of that fact. The fact that she had a career, an apartment, a way of life, a life outside of my "control" and out side of me. Yes. Yes. And Peter and I were well aware of that and happy for her. 

But taking on someone else's name and sharing a bank account and all of that...that's something different than watching your child grown up and move on. 

I guess what I'm feeling is that once she was born, I devoted my life to her care. I worried about her at daycare when I picked her up and she had a split lip. I was gone 11 hours a day. Someone else was raising her. So, I quit my dream job to stay home with her. That's what I wanted to do because her well-being was on me. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom because when I was growing up, my parents encouraged me to be a writer and it made me so mad. They said, "that way, I could still be home to take care of your children and your husband." What?!? That’s all my life was worth?!?

But push-came-to-shove, I chose that. I wanted to be there for my children. Me. 

If you knew me as a mom in Cold Spring, you know my children were my world. 

That changed in order to let them flourish on their own. I backed away so that they could find their own way. One time, I remember Macallan asked me why I let her date someone that was obviously not a good match and I said, "When you go to college, I won't be there to make decisions for you. You have to learn on your own." Isn't that the hardest thing for a parent to do? Watch as their children navigate their lives with good and the bad decisions, hoping to God nothing too terrible happened along the way.

Well, I can't stop crying. I think it's because I'm sad that my job is done. But I'm also happy that my job is done. I can “relinquish” my duties, not because she’s now married but because she found someone who will care for her as much as I did. 

There are bound to be things that won't go right, won't be fun, maybe even be heartbreaking, but with Rocky by her side, I know there will also be love to carry them through. Not just their love for each other, but the love that all of those people who were at the wedding have for them. You don't just get that. It's not a given. That kind of love is earned and it was there that day, and there the days prior and I'm certain, the days ahead. 

So, while I'm always going to be Macallan's mom. (And there isn't a day that goes by that I don’t know how lucky I am to have her as my daughter. That will never change.) But now, I am not responsible for her life (and quite honestly, I haven't been for many many years). I can still share in it and I hope that doesn't change.

Because our world since their wedding hasn't gotten smaller. We have not lost our daughter, we truly have gained a great guy in Rocky along with a loving, supportive, wonderful Smith family and friends. I hope they feel the same. 

A Good Good-Bye

Mac spent the summer as lead horse-wrangler at a ranch in Colorado. 

"I'm glad she's gone." I told myself. "I am happy she left."

This is how I rationalized not having her home during the summer. Our 21-year-old daughter had found herself a job in Colorado as a horse wrangler. She would be home for only three days the entire summer, the rest taken up by a summer job out West, then her usual gig at the Dutchess County Fair as an animal handler for friends in the Fish and Game pavilion. 

But I said, good. I was OK with it. 

After all, she is a senior this upcoming year. Over the course of her college career, she's spent less and less time at home. Spring break that freshman year in Costa Rica. Last year she spent eight weeks at her school's biological field station, required coursework for Environmental Conservation Biology majors. She learned to identify every tree in NYS, the intricate life cycles of mosses, and theorized about how temperature effects snapping turtle eggs. She was in her element. How do you begrudge her that?

I don't. I am happy for her. She most definitely makes the most of her life and the opportunities that arise. When I comment on her perhaps overdoing it, her answer is that she takes after me. OK. I'll give her that.

So, while I am happy for her (if I say it often enough, will it be true? hahaha!) I'm not saying I don't miss her. Don't get me started on the fact that 18 years is not enough time to spend with your kids, especially those of them we really like.

No. I miss her terribly. 

We enjoy each other's company. We finish each other's sentences. We text and like each other's posts on FB and Instagram even when we're sitting in the same room!

For nearly two years, she texted me good morning and good night with only a missed text if she had no cell coverage like at Cranberry Lake. After that, the cycle was broken. She now only texts on occasion. Not nearly as regularly and I was OK with that too.

While she was in Colorado, we PM'd each other much more frequently. Nearly every day, actually. She shared this new life she was living with me. She PM'd me when she got to ride a new horse. When she learned to drive a horse-drawn wagon. When she got tips. That she got food poisoning in Denver and had to keep pulling off the rode to throw up on her three-hour drive back to the ranch. That she was lonely. That she loved Steamboat Springs. And asked if she took this job again after she graduated from school, a full time job where she was paid well and they provided her housing, would that count as having a job upon graduating? "Hell yeah!" I wrote her!

And that's when it struck me.

For the first time in my life, someone left me and it was OK. I wasn't abandoned. She did not abandon me. She was still there for me. And (how many parents can say this?) I know she relied on me being there for her too. She sought me out. Without obligations, she came to me. She wanted me. On that long drive while she was sick to her stomach, she wanted her mommy.

When I had my kids, I felt that. That feeling of being whole, feeling wanted, feeling needed and vice-versa. As they grew up, I wondered how much they really liked me, you know, verses needed their mommy. But, I never really wondered because it was evident in the fact that both kids would plop themselves down on my bed when they got home from school and tell me about their day. It was obvious when Macallan would hang out with her boyfriend on the couch in the living while we all watched TV. It was apparent when my son and his friends would keep me company in the kitchen, sitting on the floor, in my way, as I made them snacks, made dinner or some dessert. "Can I help you with anything, Mrs. Durkin?" one of Markham's friends is known to ask just about every time he comes over. But you still wonder when the bottom will fall out and they go months without seeing you or calling.

I think about how little time I spent with my parents growing up. And how much they must have worried when I went off to college. And they should have worried. God knows I did plenty to make them scared for me...I have no idea how I survived the '80's!

And here I am. With a high school senior and senior in college to show for it.

The Big Aha!
And this summer, when Macallan was 3,000 miles away, I realized something significant. I felt something I had never felt before. Even though she was gone, she never truly left me.

Sounds so simple right? But coming from a place of abandonment, I have never felt that before. Because, unlike with Peter, for most of our life together, I felt like whenever he would go fishing or hunting, he was going because he didn't want to be with me. I thought he did it to get away from me. But I've slowly realized, that's not the case. For Peter, fishing is a very important outlet, something he had to do, like with me and writing. If he didn't do it, he would explode. I didn't get that until recently. I didn't know.

Can you imagine, I'm 50+ years old, Peter and I will celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary next month, and it's only starting to sinking in? Maybe one day, on our 50th Wedding Anniversary, maybe then, I'll believe he won't leave me, but for now, the verdict is still out...

But with Macallan this summer, it was clear. It was like a loud resounding bell. She may be away, which is something I think I better get used to, but she loves me and will always love me. I'm her mom, after all and I'd like to think I've earned that. But I also can't tell you how profoundly I felt that love when I realized how much I meant to her.

I believe abandonment issues are the core of my being. A personality trait for me. A quirky accent. A swagger. A signature smirk that makes me, me.

But this summer, with Macallan's help, this abandoned daughter came full circle. With the unwavering conviction of my own daughter's love, I came that much closer to ridding myself of this burden, this abandonment albatross.

I truly never thought I'd be saying this, but I really am so glad she left. It certainly was a good, good-bye.